Does anyone else ever have the reoccurring dream where you’re
falling, uncontrollably flailing, from clifftops, out of airplanes, off
bridges, from the top of buildings and other such lengthy drops? At first you
struggle, limbs flapping against the pressure of the wind, hair follicles pull
fiercely against your scalp, your teeth bared as if in battle, and yet as your
fate nears your fists unfurl, your mouth slacks, your eyes dull, until eventually
you’re almost calm. Delirious but calm. After all, you’re fresh out of
alternatives. Of course, you wake up right before your body catastrophically combusts
all over the pavement, however the adrenaline lingers in your blood for the rest
of the day.
This is how I feel about life in general at the moment. Like
from the minute I wake up I am falling, being pulled in various directions, unable
to control the situation, and eventually come nightfall, giving up and
admitting defeat.
Winter hasn’t been kind to us this year. Blake and Oscar
have been struck down by illness after illness, fresh germs invading almost immediately
after they recover from the previous infection. A sleepless night follows the
previous sleepless night, tiredness resounds in my bones and in my brain. And
then the unthinkable happens, Oli and I get sick too.
Not just your average run- of-the-mill cold either. Sweats, chills,
fevers, relentless headaches, muscle aches, joint aches, burning iris’s, and a
barking cough that kicks into gear right when you lay your head on the pillow
at night. Oli gets it worse than me, I manage to recover after a few days, he’s
well into week 3.
Snarky comments have been thrown about the last couple of
weeks, patience has worn so thin I’m uncertain it exists anymore. Our united
front has crumbled under pressure and eventually the lid blows.
We haven’t spoken in 4 days. Not speaking is my least
preferred form of torture. Give me a yelling match and a quick recovery any day
but this? This is unbearable. I wave the white flag, he still ignores me. I
yell and scream, he still ignores me. I ignore him, he ignores me. 4 days feels
like 4 years and my mind feels like it has run a marathon. I miss him. He’s
right there, and I miss him.
Come next week, I'm sure all will be well in our world, but today, I'm still mid flight, waiting for the calm to wash over me as the day draws to an end.
Sorry to swoop back in and parade my misery this morning, I
wish I came bearing good news, a sarcastic joke or two. Not today folks, today
I just came to vent. And now, I feel surprisingly better. Just because Oli won’t
talk to me, doesn’t mean I can’t talk to myself. Or to you- if anyone still
bothers to check in here these days.
Here’s to the ass end of winter anyway, thanks for nothing-
you can fuck off now. Bring on Spring.
Gem.
P.S Read "When Breath Becomes Air"- you won't regret it
P.S Read "When Breath Becomes Air"- you won't regret it
