The Tank is Empty

Is it time to clock off motherhood yet? 

The tank has been running on 'E' for quite some time, and I feel as though I've finally burnt out my engine. It's just all too bloody much. 

As much as I love my children, lately, I despise the endless tediousness of everyday life. The selfish streak in me hates being awoken against my will every single night, feeding others whilst my tummy grumbles, cleaning up after one whilst the other drools watermelon juice all over the floor. Etc etc..

Since Oscar has arrived, the workload has quite literally doubled, and the hours are long and relentless. My body is no longer my own, it is constantly being tugged at, drank from and jumped on. And my mind is so fucking bored. So bored. Day dreaming of a 9-5 job has become my ultimate escape. Imagine having adult conversation? Imagine reading, and writing, and achieving things every single day? Imagine only having to wipe my own bum all day?! Imagine actually finishing work and doing as you please? It sounds magical.

I get that this was the path we chose to go down for this period in our lives, and thousands of women are going through the exact same thing as I am, and probably not whining half as much (out loud). But I am just over it. Well and truly over it. 

Motherhood sure is a testing time, and even after so long I still can't figure out whether I'm passing with flying colours or failing miserably. Society would say Blake definitely watches far too much TV, and Oscar eats a lot of packaged food. I gave up trying to potty train Blake after a few days of tantrums, and I don't bath them everyday. I yell, and I scream occasionally. And I often feel like walking right out the door. Yet, I would say, my children are good kids. They're happy kids. They're fed, warm, and loved. 

(Society has some ridiculous standards doesn't it? I often delve deep into my wild imagination and dream of a world void of any society. Where every individual is free to explore their own ideas and values without any outside pressure. I can't even imagine what kind of mother I would be if I didn't already know what kind of mother I 'should' be? If you get my drift...)

Anyway, after such a long time of looking after other people, I guess all I want at the moment is to be looked after myself. That's it. Do you reckon Santa delivers TLC? I sure hope so. 

Here's hoping we have a better week this week eh? 

Gemma

Thought of the day "thank goodness for the gym Creche"