Smiles for Miles

Oh well hello there...

For those of you that are still reading, and have managed to persist through my constant moaning for the last 3 months- bravo and thank-you for sticking around. The good news is that I didn't slit my wrists after my last post- infact, I'm still alive and kicking and feeling (drumroll please...) fucking fantastic! Wanna know why? 

.....

Because my most favourite human being, my partner in crime, my extra set of hands, my sanity saving knight in shining armour, my love, big poppa (he loves it when I call him that) is home in 6 sleeps.

6.

SIX!!!!

He finally responded to my cries for help, "SOS OLI, S O FUCKING S!!!" & voila, two absurdly overpriced airfares later, and Oct 5th was locked and loaded for landing. 

As soon as my finger clicked the 'confirm payment' option, I felt immediately flooded with relief. We had a date. The end is nigh. I won't be committing murder suicide after all. My sick jokes will come to an end. (or will they). 

Despite feeling like I've aged 3 years in 3 months, I'm pretty bloody impressed that we lasted as long as we did. Two toddlers tugging at your leg all day (and night) demanding a lot and not giving much back in return, was seriously draining. And on Olis end, going from three excited faces to come home to every evening, to no excited faces (and having to cook his own meals and do his own washing I'm sure) was equally horrific. Alas that little shining light is getting brighter by the day now, and before we know it, I'll be at the airport (an hour early) grinning until my gums completely dry out, and sprinting maniacally towards Oli like I am an extra in the movie "love actually". 

I just want to touch him. And sniff him. Yes lots of sniffing. Just to make sure he is really there. I want to watch the kids reaction when he strolls through the door. And proceed to watch them play together whilst I carefully, and tactfully, back slowly away and into the bedroom, whereupon I collapse onto the bed and sleep for an entire day and night.

Yes, that plan sounds brilliant.

Speaking of sleep; it is 8:37, 7 minutes past my bedtime. Tragic you might say? More like crucial to quality of life. 

See ya later suckers,

Gem 

Thought of the day "it is really, really unfair that at the end of each day of slavery, I still have to do the goddamned dishes" 

Day 55

Lets dive straight into the nitty gritty this arv, and blurt all the shitty, negative feelings right out. Because once they're out, I can look back and realise we made it out alive from what was a giant black hole of a situation...

Anger, stress, despair, and frustration are my four main vices at the mo. I wake up in the morning and I'm all like oh hey Frustration, can't wait to spend another day with you. Watup Stress, felt like we even slept together last night. Anger- my main man, looking forward to those yelling matches again today! Despair usually pops in after hours when the kids are snoozing and I slump onto the couch, grateful that I made it, and fearful for another day to come. 

Today was no different. The rainbow of emotions shone high in the sky all day, and as Blake and Oscar yelled and screamed, snatched and pulled, nagged and cried, my voice continued to rise until my throat was hoarse and my heart heavy. Each night, I tell myself tomorrow I will be more patient with them. I will be a better mother. No doubt about it. And each day, I let them and myself down.

As I slump down defeated on the couch each evening, I start to think about single mothers, and I wonder how the fuck they do it? And how can I personally deliver them medals? And then I think about ways to combat my negative energy. And then I think I should probably sleep. And then I think about Oli thousands of kilometres away, and then Despair shows up again. 

You see, we always knew it wouldn't be easy to be apart. That was never debated. However I think we were completely naive as to just how hard it would actually be. I mean there's hard, and then there is hard. And then there is tear my eyeballs from my sockets before I wake up tomorrow hard. We are at the eyeballs point (incase that wasn't clear). 

I miss being a family. And I miss sleeping through the night. I miss feeling sane and I miss enjoying my time with our kids. And saying I miss Oli is barely scratching the surface as to how I really feel. Miss? Just miss? I would saw off my arm with a blunt knife to be couchside with him right now. 

(I wouldn't really but you get my drift) 

It all sounds so melodramatic when I write it out like I have today. Maybe it is melodramatic. But when I feel like I am suffocating, when I am sweating profusely, when I am shaking with anger, I know that these feelings are real. And that this is the hardest endeavour we will ever undertake. Funnily, I am finding it much easier to write about my feelings than I do to talk about them. Poor Oli is the only living soul to bear the brunt of my colourful and communicative mind. Maybe that's another contributing factor to my misery- no Oli to vent to nightly. (He is probably thinking thank faaaaark I get a break from that woman's relentless verbal diarrhoea). 

I dunno... maybe I just need to suck it up. Or maybe Oli needs to come home and make me giggle like a teenager again. Maybe money isn't as important as we initially thought. What if none of this is worth it? I feel as though I am living in one big grey area, brimming with doubts and what ifs, uncertainties and fears.

Well, I can tell you one thing for sure folks; I'm fucken over it all this week.

So here's to wine glasses as big as my head, and luxurious bathtubs, and a fresh book to live vicariously through. And here's to the bags under my eyes for reminding me I'm not just dreaming about being a walking zombie- I look like one too.

Adios!

Gem

Thought of the day; "breathe in, breathe out"

Week in Pics

She's been a while folks! Here's what's been happening as of late;

Bare bums and blackboard play dates with Willow & Aimee

Gal pal reunions 

I've only been searching for a packet of knuckle bones since 2010- cheers New World, it's time to relive 1999

Inception 

Moody, misty mountaineering 

Making a break for the park 

Spring has sprung 

Cuppa break 

The BEST breakfast I've ever devoured (massive call), at George cafe. Poachies with sunflower sprouts and pepitas, feta and avo chunks on ciabatta

Zee purrrfect afternoon 

Happy weekend'ing friends, put your feet up!

Gem 

Thought of the day "is it happy hour yet?"

Blake is 3!

Every year September races around in the blink of an eye, and every year it creeps up on me and blindsides me when I least expect it...

Blake is 3 years old. That's 36 months in mother speak. 

How? What? When? Where? Why? (I don't usually ask myself why unless we've had a particularly rough day of whining + tantrums). 

Somehow, over the course of those 36 months, she has managed to morph into a fully grown, functional, and feisty little human being.

From her beginnings as a teeny little porcelain doll, into her plump totty teething years involving a lot of highs and lows, and now a big toilet trained, independent and vibrant little girl. Girl being the key word. 

Sparkles and nail polish and dolls and hairbrushes and dresses and frozen and 'hairplips' for miles! 

This little slice of paradise is full of beans, and will gladly tell you exactly what it is she wants (no idea where that trait came from). She is outrageously sociable (lord help us in ten years time), knee-slappingly hilarious, empathetic, demanding, and three years on- still a total dead ringer for her dad. 

Gosh I just outright adore this girl. Seriously. I could gush about her brilliance all day, alas, I'll list some of her favourite things instead;

So, currently trending on Blakes radar;

Her black dress, her sparkle shoes, rice, blueberries, chocolate milk, frozen (when will the madness end), doing everything herself (fav quote; "no I'll do it!!!"), dancing, hairplips, getting mani/ pedis, annoying Oscar, watching Cat in the Hat, and skipping her daytime sleep.

To celebrate our little big gals day, we threw a picnic in the park for her and her mates. Here's a few snaps of what was an epic afternoon;

Double decker banana marshmallow ferrero rocher masterpiece 

Blake in her princess dress (obviously)

Aimee's back yahooooo!!

Now that Blake is 3 she has officially started kindy this week, which means twenty sweet sweet hours of single child parenting (timed impeccably with said child's sleep routine). Which means I may have some more time up my sleeve to write again (or daytime nap). 

I'm going to go ahead and tell you honestly how I feel about this solo parenting two toddlers business... It is completely fucked. I've never been so frantically busy in my entire life. Every single moment is occupied, there's no after hours, there's no down time, and with Oscar still awaking once in the middle of the night- there's still no proper sleep. So ah yeah, if someone wants to shout me a ticket back to Bali whilst looking after the children for a week right about now.... That could really help me get a hold of my mentality again. 

As I've said time and time before;

These two are SO lucky they're expenentially, phenomenally cute.

I hope you guys are feeling sprightly this week!

Au Revoir,

Gem 

Thought of the day; currently trending for breakfast lunch & dinner around here;

Avo feta lime coriander chilli smash on toasted Turkish bread- ah bloody mazing.