Anger, stress, despair, and frustration are my four main vices at the mo. I wake up in the morning and I'm all like oh hey Frustration, can't wait to spend another day with you. Watup Stress, felt like we even slept together last night. Anger- my main man, looking forward to those yelling matches again today! Despair usually pops in after hours when the kids are snoozing and I slump onto the couch, grateful that I made it, and fearful for another day to come.
Today was no different. The rainbow of emotions shone high in the sky all day, and as Blake and Oscar yelled and screamed, snatched and pulled, nagged and cried, my voice continued to rise until my throat was hoarse and my heart heavy. Each night, I tell myself tomorrow I will be more patient with them. I will be a better mother. No doubt about it. And each day, I let them and myself down.
As I slump down defeated on the couch each evening, I start to think about single mothers, and I wonder how the fuck they do it? And how can I personally deliver them medals? And then I think about ways to combat my negative energy. And then I think I should probably sleep. And then I think about Oli thousands of kilometres away, and then Despair shows up again.
You see, we always knew it wouldn't be easy to be apart. That was never debated. However I think we were completely naive as to just how hard it would actually be. I mean there's hard, and then there is hard. And then there is tear my eyeballs from my sockets before I wake up tomorrow hard. We are at the eyeballs point (incase that wasn't clear).
I miss being a family. And I miss sleeping through the night. I miss feeling sane and I miss enjoying my time with our kids. And saying I miss Oli is barely scratching the surface as to how I really feel. Miss? Just miss? I would saw off my arm with a blunt knife to be couchside with him right now.
(I wouldn't really but you get my drift)
It all sounds so melodramatic when I write it out like I have today. Maybe it is melodramatic. But when I feel like I am suffocating, when I am sweating profusely, when I am shaking with anger, I know that these feelings are real. And that this is the hardest endeavour we will ever undertake. Funnily, I am finding it much easier to write about my feelings than I do to talk about them. Poor Oli is the only living soul to bear the brunt of my colourful and communicative mind. Maybe that's another contributing factor to my misery- no Oli to vent to nightly. (He is probably thinking thank faaaaark I get a break from that woman's relentless verbal diarrhoea).
I dunno... maybe I just need to suck it up. Or maybe Oli needs to come home and make me giggle like a teenager again. Maybe money isn't as important as we initially thought. What if none of this is worth it? I feel as though I am living in one big grey area, brimming with doubts and what ifs, uncertainties and fears.
Well, I can tell you one thing for sure folks; I'm fucken over it all this week.
So here's to wine glasses as big as my head, and luxurious bathtubs, and a fresh book to live vicariously through. And here's to the bags under my eyes for reminding me I'm not just dreaming about being a walking zombie- I look like one too.
Adios!
Gem
Thought of the day; "breathe in, breathe out"
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