Smiles for Miles

Oh well hello there...

For those of you that are still reading, and have managed to persist through my constant moaning for the last 3 months- bravo and thank-you for sticking around. The good news is that I didn't slit my wrists after my last post- infact, I'm still alive and kicking and feeling (drumroll please...) fucking fantastic! Wanna know why? 

.....

Because my most favourite human being, my partner in crime, my extra set of hands, my sanity saving knight in shining armour, my love, big poppa (he loves it when I call him that) is home in 6 sleeps.

6.

SIX!!!!

He finally responded to my cries for help, "SOS OLI, S O FUCKING S!!!" & voila, two absurdly overpriced airfares later, and Oct 5th was locked and loaded for landing. 

As soon as my finger clicked the 'confirm payment' option, I felt immediately flooded with relief. We had a date. The end is nigh. I won't be committing murder suicide after all. My sick jokes will come to an end. (or will they). 

Despite feeling like I've aged 3 years in 3 months, I'm pretty bloody impressed that we lasted as long as we did. Two toddlers tugging at your leg all day (and night) demanding a lot and not giving much back in return, was seriously draining. And on Olis end, going from three excited faces to come home to every evening, to no excited faces (and having to cook his own meals and do his own washing I'm sure) was equally horrific. Alas that little shining light is getting brighter by the day now, and before we know it, I'll be at the airport (an hour early) grinning until my gums completely dry out, and sprinting maniacally towards Oli like I am an extra in the movie "love actually". 

I just want to touch him. And sniff him. Yes lots of sniffing. Just to make sure he is really there. I want to watch the kids reaction when he strolls through the door. And proceed to watch them play together whilst I carefully, and tactfully, back slowly away and into the bedroom, whereupon I collapse onto the bed and sleep for an entire day and night.

Yes, that plan sounds brilliant.

Speaking of sleep; it is 8:37, 7 minutes past my bedtime. Tragic you might say? More like crucial to quality of life. 

See ya later suckers,

Gem 

Thought of the day "it is really, really unfair that at the end of each day of slavery, I still have to do the goddamned dishes" 

Day 55

Lets dive straight into the nitty gritty this arv, and blurt all the shitty, negative feelings right out. Because once they're out, I can look back and realise we made it out alive from what was a giant black hole of a situation...

Anger, stress, despair, and frustration are my four main vices at the mo. I wake up in the morning and I'm all like oh hey Frustration, can't wait to spend another day with you. Watup Stress, felt like we even slept together last night. Anger- my main man, looking forward to those yelling matches again today! Despair usually pops in after hours when the kids are snoozing and I slump onto the couch, grateful that I made it, and fearful for another day to come. 

Today was no different. The rainbow of emotions shone high in the sky all day, and as Blake and Oscar yelled and screamed, snatched and pulled, nagged and cried, my voice continued to rise until my throat was hoarse and my heart heavy. Each night, I tell myself tomorrow I will be more patient with them. I will be a better mother. No doubt about it. And each day, I let them and myself down.

As I slump down defeated on the couch each evening, I start to think about single mothers, and I wonder how the fuck they do it? And how can I personally deliver them medals? And then I think about ways to combat my negative energy. And then I think I should probably sleep. And then I think about Oli thousands of kilometres away, and then Despair shows up again. 

You see, we always knew it wouldn't be easy to be apart. That was never debated. However I think we were completely naive as to just how hard it would actually be. I mean there's hard, and then there is hard. And then there is tear my eyeballs from my sockets before I wake up tomorrow hard. We are at the eyeballs point (incase that wasn't clear). 

I miss being a family. And I miss sleeping through the night. I miss feeling sane and I miss enjoying my time with our kids. And saying I miss Oli is barely scratching the surface as to how I really feel. Miss? Just miss? I would saw off my arm with a blunt knife to be couchside with him right now. 

(I wouldn't really but you get my drift) 

It all sounds so melodramatic when I write it out like I have today. Maybe it is melodramatic. But when I feel like I am suffocating, when I am sweating profusely, when I am shaking with anger, I know that these feelings are real. And that this is the hardest endeavour we will ever undertake. Funnily, I am finding it much easier to write about my feelings than I do to talk about them. Poor Oli is the only living soul to bear the brunt of my colourful and communicative mind. Maybe that's another contributing factor to my misery- no Oli to vent to nightly. (He is probably thinking thank faaaaark I get a break from that woman's relentless verbal diarrhoea). 

I dunno... maybe I just need to suck it up. Or maybe Oli needs to come home and make me giggle like a teenager again. Maybe money isn't as important as we initially thought. What if none of this is worth it? I feel as though I am living in one big grey area, brimming with doubts and what ifs, uncertainties and fears.

Well, I can tell you one thing for sure folks; I'm fucken over it all this week.

So here's to wine glasses as big as my head, and luxurious bathtubs, and a fresh book to live vicariously through. And here's to the bags under my eyes for reminding me I'm not just dreaming about being a walking zombie- I look like one too.

Adios!

Gem

Thought of the day; "breathe in, breathe out"

Week in Pics

She's been a while folks! Here's what's been happening as of late;

Bare bums and blackboard play dates with Willow & Aimee

Gal pal reunions 

I've only been searching for a packet of knuckle bones since 2010- cheers New World, it's time to relive 1999

Inception 

Moody, misty mountaineering 

Making a break for the park 

Spring has sprung 

Cuppa break 

The BEST breakfast I've ever devoured (massive call), at George cafe. Poachies with sunflower sprouts and pepitas, feta and avo chunks on ciabatta

Zee purrrfect afternoon 

Happy weekend'ing friends, put your feet up!

Gem 

Thought of the day "is it happy hour yet?"

Blake is 3!

Every year September races around in the blink of an eye, and every year it creeps up on me and blindsides me when I least expect it...

Blake is 3 years old. That's 36 months in mother speak. 

How? What? When? Where? Why? (I don't usually ask myself why unless we've had a particularly rough day of whining + tantrums). 

Somehow, over the course of those 36 months, she has managed to morph into a fully grown, functional, and feisty little human being.

From her beginnings as a teeny little porcelain doll, into her plump totty teething years involving a lot of highs and lows, and now a big toilet trained, independent and vibrant little girl. Girl being the key word. 

Sparkles and nail polish and dolls and hairbrushes and dresses and frozen and 'hairplips' for miles! 

This little slice of paradise is full of beans, and will gladly tell you exactly what it is she wants (no idea where that trait came from). She is outrageously sociable (lord help us in ten years time), knee-slappingly hilarious, empathetic, demanding, and three years on- still a total dead ringer for her dad. 

Gosh I just outright adore this girl. Seriously. I could gush about her brilliance all day, alas, I'll list some of her favourite things instead;

So, currently trending on Blakes radar;

Her black dress, her sparkle shoes, rice, blueberries, chocolate milk, frozen (when will the madness end), doing everything herself (fav quote; "no I'll do it!!!"), dancing, hairplips, getting mani/ pedis, annoying Oscar, watching Cat in the Hat, and skipping her daytime sleep.

To celebrate our little big gals day, we threw a picnic in the park for her and her mates. Here's a few snaps of what was an epic afternoon;

Double decker banana marshmallow ferrero rocher masterpiece 

Blake in her princess dress (obviously)

Aimee's back yahooooo!!

Now that Blake is 3 she has officially started kindy this week, which means twenty sweet sweet hours of single child parenting (timed impeccably with said child's sleep routine). Which means I may have some more time up my sleeve to write again (or daytime nap). 

I'm going to go ahead and tell you honestly how I feel about this solo parenting two toddlers business... It is completely fucked. I've never been so frantically busy in my entire life. Every single moment is occupied, there's no after hours, there's no down time, and with Oscar still awaking once in the middle of the night- there's still no proper sleep. So ah yeah, if someone wants to shout me a ticket back to Bali whilst looking after the children for a week right about now.... That could really help me get a hold of my mentality again. 

As I've said time and time before;

These two are SO lucky they're expenentially, phenomenally cute.

I hope you guys are feeling sprightly this week!

Au Revoir,

Gem 

Thought of the day; currently trending for breakfast lunch & dinner around here;

Avo feta lime coriander chilli smash on toasted Turkish bread- ah bloody mazing.

Day 40

Aloha long lost loves!

Excuse my ignorance....(I tend to recycle this line on a daily basis at the moment), alas life has been bloody mental for the last few weeks. 

A quick reflection;

- Moved out of home and simultaneously verged having a mental breakdown. Check.

- Oscar began his nightly newborn regime in which he would arise every 3-4 hours. Check.

- I am still delving further into a deep mourning for my absent husband. Check.

- We bombard Abbeys tranquil space with tears & tantrums, interrupted sleep, invasion of space, poo, and an abundance of toys... However, her and I watch the sunset on her deck every evening drinking beers & sharing sick jokes.

- We say sayonara to our magnificent friends and life in Perth

- We tackle the horrific trip home which includes; making our first flight with mere minutes to spare, momentarily 'misplacing' our passports on the pram which has been put on the aeroplane, retrieving said passports, loads of airport cardio, not one ounce of sleep for any party over the course of the next 8 hours, and Stirling booking in his vasectomy.

(He is most definitely scarred for life)

- HOME!

- Oscar continues to relish in his newborn sleep regime, and I continue to long for my love. Check.

- Mountain climbing keeps my daily diet of pies, mallowpuffs and beer semi balanced

- I take Oscar to the top for the first & last time.

- Meeting up with old friends and making new friends is my new full time occupation

- Our current residence is pretty freaking spectacular ^^^

And besides that, we are just trying to adjust to the new surroundings, relish in all of the incredible people about, and try not to cry too much over our absent family member. It's been 6 weeks now and our goal initially was to do 18 weeks. One third of the way through. If we can do it, then fantastic, it would be a huge financial win. If we can't, then fantastic, because we would have done what we could. I'm not going to lie, it's been a fucking nightmare moving countries without Oli. But as suspected, ever since being home, things have gradually become much easier (for us that is, Olis despair doesn't want to dwindle when he can't see those two ratbags on anything but a tiny screen). Oscar even slept through last night which was a miracle after a torturous month of broken slumber. Things are on the up! 

In other news, Blake is three next week which means she gets to start kindy! Hallelujah. Seriously, halle bloody lujah. She needs it, Oscar needs it, I need it, we all need it. Thank goodness for government funded childcare, NZ knows what's up. First things first though, a big party/ picnic in the park to celebrate. Potluck obviously. Because I'm not a sucker for punishment. 

I'll be back again soon no diggity,

Hope you are all happy and healthy folks,

Gem 

Thought of the day 

Anybody?

Day 10

Hello double digits.

Hello extremely fragile emotional state.

Hello heavy heart.

Hello homestretch.

Hello how the fuck am I going to possibly manage another 100+ days without Oli aka Paps.

She's been a long week folks, a bloody marathon of a week infact. I totally underestimated the sheer amount of energy one needs to entertain and care for two, very active, toddlers. It feels as though I could lay down, and hibernate, for the rest of winter. Tired is an understatement. Exhausted is an understatement. There is no statement that will suffice for just how shattered this old mother hen is. And we haven't even officially moved out yet, the real fun begins tomorrow/ Friday when we officially evacuate the premises. Insert grimace. Thankfully, friends are fabulous things, and Abbey is coming over to help out for those two days before we head to her place to cause chaos for 5 days before we board that bird. What a legend/ I don't think she realises what she is in for. 

So today marks our final week in Perth, and to be frank, our departure could not come soon enough. We are so ready for that family support that other families gush about, actually we were ready 2 years ago, alas we will gladly make up for that over the coming weeks. First on the agenda when we arrive to the glorious Mount Maung? Sleep. Eat. Sleep some more. And then take an afternoon nap. 

But first, we must survive the plane trip. We won't be doing it alone this time though (THANK FARK!). We roped our great mate Stirling into coming back on the same flight as he was planning an NZ trip that same week anyway. Little does he know that I'm palming Oscar off onto him at check in and yelling NO BACKS whilst running off with Blake to board. Sucker. 

I'll round this up with a family snap I got the other day;

Yup, that's life at the moment.

Gem

Thought of the day "whine whine whine whine wine wine wine wine"

 

Day 4

Three lonely, albeit spacious, sleeps into this long distance love journey, and we are still alive & kicking (mostly O kicking me in the face). Oscar is officially the proud owner of three ginormous molars, and mercifully, it doesn't look like the fourth wants to show up anytime soon. Therefore we are back to sleeping in sync, and in turn, feeling slightly more sane. Just slightly. 

FaceTime is our saviour, and seeing Dad on the little screen guarantees a couple of big toothy grins from the tykes. Alas, it is SO not the same. After his 10 hour work day, and by the time we actually get to call, we are both shattered and lacking in any enthusiasm. There's no comforting cuddles, no cheeky smiles shared from across the room, and not a single chance of a sneaky smooch. I miss the sneaky smooches. 

However, Olis new job is going well, and our lovely & generous friends have taken him under their wing in their home. It is all working out to plan, and within just a couple of weeks, we will be back in the motherland, taking seaside strolls & scoffing steaming pies. Yum. 

Funnily, since Olis departure, we haven't had meat in the house, so I've been a part time vegetarian. Mostly due to sheer laziness & lack of interest in a grocery shop, alas, here's some of the delights I've been whipping up;

Rocket, spinach, mushroom, avo, tomato, potato & feta salad = a little dream come true 

Rocket, avo, mushroom, spinach, haloumi & soft boiled egg salad with dukkah

Pumpkin, pea & corn risotto- total hit with the littlies too

I don't care that potatoes aren't even considered a vegetable, or that they are directly linked to weight gain (I just read a really disheartening article about them), they are delicious. And I will cook crispy chips until the day I die. Plus I ate an entire avocado with them so it's pretty much a nutritional win.

Oh, and we were well on our way to devouring this berry, banana, date & spinach smoothie yesterday too, until;

Major blender blowout. The blender just blew it's chance of going home to NZ with us too as I threw it out in a fit of fury post clean up. 

Don't think it's all salads & carbs around here though, there's been plenty of sugar to ease me through the transition. Every evening thus far has looked like this;

Colouring & chocolate, my two current favourite 'C's. I ordered my Secret Garden book off book depositary a couple of weeks back, and I was pleasantly surprised to find it to be WAY more badass than originally thought. It's really intricate and ridiculously detailed, this one page is only half done after three evenings of solid colouring, but it is actually a really brilliant way to wind down. It may seem like this weeks fad, but get on board because it's totally rad. (Intentional rhyme).

Actually, there's one more C in my life;

Tame Impalas new album 'Currents' has been on repeat for 3 days straight now. Sooooooo bloody good. Like so good. You must wrap your earbuds around it. This song "Cause I'm a Man" is my personal favourite & it is funky as feck.

Lastly, these two;

I do believe I came out of the bathroom far wetter than they did after this particularly splash sesh, but just look at them would ya? Cheeky little ferocious chunks of spunk.

Adios amigos!

Gem

Thought of the day "I'm not even going to wear exercise gears to the gym today, straight to the cafe- good plan Gemma"