He is quite the plump wee boy! I haven't actually had him weighed in a while but will take him in this Friday, he must be over 5kilos though I would say, hungry hippo. Some of my favourite things about him include; his grumpy glare (it is absurdly cute), when I sing to him & he cracks a smile, his grimaces whilst pushing out a poo, how he calms down when Blake is near him, and when he sleeps!
This is where I would love to start rambling on about how amazing he is & how much I am enjoying him in all his newborn sweetness. I want to tell you all how our little tripod takes the most glorious afternoon strolls in the sun, how we play together all day and watch him 'goo' and 'gah' in awe. I want to tell you how great I'm feeling, basking in the new motherhood glow, and how we are all just so smitten with the new addition.
I really really wish I could write those things, and gloat and gush and what not, but I just can't unfortunately. Spending all day trying to stop him from crying / grizzling is taking a serious toll on not only this household, but my mentality. I'm literally terrified of waking him up when he finally sleeps, it is making me incredibly anxious and stressed out and I'm fresh out of ideas as to what to do. Not only that, but I just feel like a bit of a failure as a mother. Which I'm sure is a fairly typical reaction to having an unsettled and unhappy baby, but knowing that doesn't actually make it any easier & not taking it personally is much much harder than you might think. I'm beginning to dread each day, and I began dreading the nights almost right away. Knowing I have to spend all day listening to his misery is just devastating, especially considering there's absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. Well, nothing I've discovered yet anyway.
(A few hours later.....)
As I sat down to finish this post off at approximately 1pm, Oscar has thus far been an absolute angel all day. Which is so typical, now I feel awful for totally bagging him out like he was some kind of demon child. My mothers best piece of advice for me re; children has been "have low expectations and high appreciations". So I am appreciating the shit outta Oscar today. And not just him, but my incredibly intelligent and charismatic girl Blake, for plowing her pram into the wall a few minutes ago and saying "oh shit!"- which left me in fits of laughter. (I will work on that one at a later date, it's funny for now). Lastly, I couldn't appreciate anyone more than I do Oli. I know I always go on about how brilliant he is to you guys, and you must think, "oh shut up Gemma, we get it- you have a great partner, lucky you". But he is an absolute legend. Cooking me dinner, calming me down, folding the washing on a whim, taking some wretched night shifts, and still showering me in love every goddamn day. He is the reason I am still sane.
(Him and this heartbreaking smile)
So things haven't been easy in Oscars short month with us, but at least we know things will be easier eventually. It might not be tomorrow, or next week, I may not sleep 8 hours again for a very long time- but it will get easier. I think not having any time to do anything for myself is one of the hardest things right now- no books, unpainted toenails, and worst of all- no exercise. It. Is. Killing. Me. I seriously think exercise, for me individually, is so incredibly important- as soon as I stop I instantly become a miserable sad sack. It's ok though because I know this time isn't meant for me; it's for Oscar and Blake, but like I said- things will change in no time & we can resume some sort of normalcy.
Meanwhile, blogging whilst breastfeeding is where it's at!! Blogging whilst breastfeeding & listening to thunder right now is even better, I love a good thunderstorm. On that note- I've just noticed that my page views have been through the roof lately, and I now have a couple of hundred regular readers! Wow, that's really awesome- overwhelming, yet awesome. Its a tad intimidating knowing my entire life is open and on a platter for that many people to read and judge, however I must be doing something right if that many of you keep coming back. It is reassuring and humbling knowing I'm not writing to myself though. So cheers guys!
But I better scoot, nappies to change, food scraps to pick up, dinner to cook & all that jazz... I'm going to try & do it all with a smile on my dial too so Oli can come home to a happy household for a pleasant change!
Hope you're all having a wonderful week
Thought of the day "I really underestimated how hard it is getting anywhere on time with two kids: fresh nappies on x 2- check. Spare nappies- check. Snacks- check. Snacks for Blake- check: 2 babies strapped in safely- check."
Gemma
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